12-12-12; a landmark day

12-12-12 marks another step in the right direction – I am officially off all immunosuppressants. If things go well over the next 2 months, Dr Vose will start weaning me off most of the other medicines that I've been taking. Many many times over the past 3 years I've wondered if how I feel was due to everything that's happened and just something I'm going to need to deal with or a side effect of all the medicine. Guess I'll know pretty soon! Everything has been going really well – there's the occasional day when it's hard to drag myself out of bed, but that's now the exception rather than the rule. I can't really tell what condition my lungs are in but would guess that they haven't changed much. I'm able to take walks and play some sports so for that I'm very grateful! Thanksgiving was very nice. Since then work has been very busy, and Christmas is just around the corner. If all continues to go well, I might get Christmas cards sent out on time this year! In case I don't get another blog posted before then, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and that you are able to slow down long enough to enjoy the season. Blessings and miracles are all around us if we just take the time to block out the noise and look. Your prayers and support through this journey continue to be a huge blessing in my life! May “God bless us every one!”

Nov 2012

I had a request to get this updated before Nov 1, but unfortunately picked up a virus and have felt pretty crappy for the past 10 days. I obviously didn't feel much like blogging, but perhaps a greater reason that I didn't write is that I'd been feeling so good for 2 or 3 months, that I didn't want to write a “negative” blog. After each run of feeling good, seems harder and harder to slide back again. But, the good news is that I think I've turned the corner and am feeling better today! Since my last blog entry, I've been to Cincinnati for a great weekend with Keith, finished up a sand volleyball season and suffered through a lot of football games. My rejection meds have been decreased by about 50% and I seem to be tolerating that pretty well. I continue to be amazed at how well I feel and how much I've adapted to my “new normal”. Physically, I'm not there yet, but I still have hopes of being able to not only see, but hike, at the Grand Canyon and Mt Zion. Since winter is quickly approaching, I guess I'll have to do that training inside! Don't forget to vote, and pray that God will lead our country!

"For he will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways." ~ Psalm 91:11

keep pushin'

Next week will be 2 years since I was packing up to leave Omaha after completing my 100 days – hard to believe. I think I'll go to Ohio to celebrate! Had a pretty good trip to Omaha today. We had lunch with a friend which was fun and all my labs looked good. (Side note – don't let anyone fool you about the wonders of electronic medical records – UNMC is updating their system and nothing transferred over. My visit took 3-4x as long and the nurse had to ask me my diagnosis and if I had any other medical history! Seriously?? There aren't enough hours in the day. She quickly realized that I wasn't going to provide her with a verbal rehash of the past 3 years so she's going to find the old records and manually transfer the info. They think it will be better in a YEAR!) Anyway, Dr Vose is ready to start weaning my anti-rejection med. I know that the medicine has side effects and I'm glad that she's that happy with my progress, but to be honest, it makes me a little nervous. The thought of going back into rejection is awful, not to mention the fact that my lungs can't take any more damage. After 2 years, I've finally reached a place where things seem to be “boring”and it's nice. I'd kind of like to stay here a little while. It's a good thing Dr Vose is here to push the envelope. Guess it's always good to have someone in your life to challenge you. When you get comfortable you get lazy, and then start falling behind. Seems like that's the case in all areas – I know its true in my spiritual life. As soon as things are going smoothly I start to slack on my quiet time, then the prayer quality goes down and before I know it, I'm completely out of touch with what really matters. Glad that God doesn't “move on” when we get busy and distracted.

A busy, hot summer

It's been pointed out to me that I am falling behind in the blog posting arena, and upon looking back, it's been 2 months since my last post – yikes! I wish I could say, “time flies when you're having fun”, but that's not really the case. I'm afraid it's the “hum drum” of normalcy, which isn't such a bad thing. Not much has changed in a positive or negative direction. I've been feeling good. Still struggling to regain my strength despite the limitations that my lungs present. I don't feel like I've really done much this summer. Not much energy to go out and do all the fun “summer” things, but I think that's primarily a result of the ridiculous heat. Guess we'll find out as the temps drop this fall. I signed up for fall volleyball which will be a good test. Work has been rather busy with vacations and all the kids needing physicals before school. And, the past 2 weeks have been pretty busy with meetings and various commitments, and ending with a nice visit from my sister and her kids. That was very fun and gave me an excuse to take a little time off work for something other than a trip to Omaha! This weekend I had planned to just relax and watch it rain – since the weathermen said we had a 90% chance of getting 1-3” - I did some relaxin', but no rain! Oh well, guess it hit west of here and the farmers probably need it worse than me. I don't have anything super inspirational to share. Just glad that God continues to be good and still amazed and grateful that I'm able to do everything that I can. I don't have to look far to discover that many people have it much worse than I do.

Lengthening the leash

The days keep clicking by, each one being more amazing than the prior according to the statisticians! Just finished up all my “2 year” checks in Omaha and things are still stable. Blood counts are all good, osteoporosis is not getting worse (maybe a little better in my spine), chest x-ray and lung tests look the same - like an 80 year old smoker. I honestly think it might have looked a little better 10 days ago, but I managed to pick up a cold that settled in my chest. Maybe it would have only looked like I had been smoking for 60 years ;) Oh well, doesn't really change anything, just a number on the paper. Dr Vose is going to try and stop my steroids so prayers that my body tolerates it would be greatly appreciated. I've been on them for about 9 months now which can't be helping the bones! Other than that, the transplant meds are messing with my cholesterol so I have to go see my primary care provider and discuss the possibility of more meds :( It's probably been a couple years since I even saw her, I'm sure she's going to love seeing my chart land on her desk! So, that's about it. I don't have to go back to Omaha until first of September as long as all goes well – maybe the heat wave will be gone by then!!!

The Big 2

Two year anniversary of my stem cell transplant (or 2nd Birthday according to some) – no matter what you call it, it's still hard to believe all that's happened. So much has changed, but the same faithful God continues to give me a peace that I can't explain. After 2 years, I still have a hard time coming up with an answer when people say, “how are you?”. Such a simple question, yet I feel like I can't do it justice. What I really want to say is, “considering that I shouldn't be here, I'm doing great and it's a total God thing.” I can go through entire days and not really think about what's happened which is amazing. Thinking about today, I looked up the gift for 2nd anniversary and it's china – pretty appropriate for me right now. I still feel rather fragile and know that I need to be “handling [my health] with care” but the miracles of my life are more beautiful every day. This week I was reminded again of how quick things can change – I've had several weeks of feeling really good and then out of the blue, Tuesday I had a headache, sorethroat, cough...overall crummy. Honestly, I was a little nervous that I was in for another rough spell, but by Wednesday afternoon I was feeling pretty good. Guess I'll just have to wait, see and pray!
Anyway, no big celebration planned for the Big 2 - I'm going to spend the afternoon helping dad sling honey. A friend is bringing her kids over to watch, so I'm sure that at some point we'll end up at Penguin Park or eating icecream (hard to beat the zebra cones from Big Burger!)

oh and of course, a big “thank you” to Keith – wouldn't have this day without ya!

“this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” ~1 John 3:16-17

Good days...

The weeks keep flying by and I can honestly say that I've been feeling good – probably better than a lot of people that I see every day. God has been good. Last weekend I was blessed to have the opportunity (and strength) to roadtrip to Indianapolis with Cindy, TJ and Scott. Keith met us there and it was a great weekend. Keith and I opted out of the 95 and sunny Indy 500 and instead spent the day hanging out and hiking around a bird sanctuary. It's been a long time since I went on a “hike” and it felt great. (Plus, I knew K could carry me back if I over-did it :) Other than that – life has been good around KC. Tonight I was driving home from Mom and Dad's and caught myself singing in the car – the ease of it caught me off guard since I haven't been able to sing in so many months. And the lyrics? “I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God” by 3rd Day. (Don't get the wrong idea, I won't be joining the choir anytime soon!)
I don't have any big plans for the summer – weddings, showers, BBQ's. Probably staying fairly close to home. Next trip to Omaha will be mid-June.

“He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” ~ Psalm 40:3

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day 2012 has been a good one – spending the day with Mom and Dad, enjoying the garden, talking in the sun room, being able to cook for them instead of the reverse. I wasn't really planning on posting a blog today, but the fact that it's Mother’s Day and the sermon this morning inspired me to send some props to Mom (and Dad). The readings today centered on “love” and what true love looks like. Very different from the secular, Hollywood, convenient “love” that we see every day, the bible talks about a much deeper love. The kind of love that leads one to “lay down their life” for someone else. That kind of selfless love is difficult for us as humans and many people probably never excperience it from another human being. But, I can say that I am fortunate enough to be the recipient of that kind of love, and I have been for the past 30+ years. My parents have always been there for us, putting our needs in front of their desires, making sure we had what we needed, protecting us, teaching us, giving us the freedom to go our own way, but never turning their backs on us. I'd hope that a lot of you can say similar things about your parents. The part that really resonated as unique and special was when they talked about “laying down your life”- that takes things to a new level, much easier said than done. Two years ago when I received the diagnosis of Stage IV cancer, Mom and Dad “laid down their lives” to help me fight for mine. Without hesitation they gave up their “lives” to sit with me in the hospital, take care of me when I was sick, move away from their home! There's a lot that I don't remember, but I can still hear Mom telling me they would do whatever it took, nothing else mattered.
I am so blessed to have them in my life and can say without a shadow of a doubt, that I am truly loved.And with that, I'd like to say Happy Mother's Day to the greatest Mom. I love you!
“There is no greater love than to lay down one's life…” ~ John 15:13

Saved by the grace of God

On this beautiful, 80+ degree day I decided it would be a good idea to mow the grass. First time that I've personally attempted it this spring. The reasonable thing to do would be to do it in parts, and I considered that. But after I got started and realized how hot and itchy I was getting, I decided that I should just push through and finish it so that I could go shower! But, I guess even when mowing the grass, God knows how much we can handle because the mower ran out of gas before I did ;) Better luck next time. In all seriousness, I'm doing well, getting stronger every day, and this is a big week for me – 2 years of remission! Who would have guessed? (Well, I know that we would, but who in the medical community would have thought?!!) Not sure how it's possible, but once in a while, I seem to forget what was going on 2 years ago and have to remind myself that every day I'm alive is a miracle and a sign of God's power and love. Sure, there are some things that I really wish I could still do, but in the big picture, I can do so much and am so blessed. I know that God's not done and hopefully he has some more miracles up his sleeve, but in the meantime, my “new normal” is going pretty well and I'm really enjoying the spring! “Surely God is my help, the Lord is the one who sustains me.” ~Psalm 54:4

Better than worse

Another day trip to Omaha complete. Uneventful, which is good, but not miraculous. Dr Vose is going to try again to wean me off the steroids – if all goes well, I should be off them by mid-summer. Labs look good. Lung tests are better than they were in February, but not better than they were in January. I'm scheduled to go back to Omaha in May but won't repeat any tests until June.
The weather is beautiful and I had a nice weekend – caught up with friends, celebrated another birthday with Dad and NO TORNADOS! Hope you're all doing well!

"Magic" Kingdom

I don't really know how to describe my vacation to Disney World, but one thing I can say is that God was so merciful. I've been praying for 2 months that I would be able to breathe at least enough to go to the park with Connor and Katie, and maybe even be able to play in the pool. I've had some good days recently so was optimistic that with a few breaks I'd be able to get by. Well God had more in mind than “getting by,” he gave me a wonderful Easter gift and the only word I can use to describe it is merciful. While in Florida, I felt as close to good as I have in a long time. I was able to walk up stairs without getting too winded, could carry on a conversation while we walked, kept up with the kids at Disney, played in the pool for the first time in over 2 years, and to finish it off, was able to move very quickly (not quite run) through the airport to get my luggage on the plane (only to find out it was delayed!). There was a lot of standing in lines and riding on buses which I know helped, but I was able to “DO” and didn't need 30 minutes of recovery time afterward.
Today, I've been trying to catch up and have felt fairly typical. Monday I head back to Omaha and they'll repeat the lung funtion tests. Maybe they'll reveal an objective explanation as to why I had a nice vacation (ie my numbers will have improved), or maybe they won't. Either way, I know that God gave me back some lung function, even if only temporarily. Time will tell what happens from here, but the hope that I'll be able to slowly return to an active life style has been refreshed.

Happy Easter!

I've mentioned my desire to “be healthy for Easter” a couple times but never really said why so as to decrease the disappointment if it didn't happen. But Easter is now here and I'm feeling pretty good – so what am I going to do, you might ask. I'm going to Disney World! No, seriously! Tomorrow I'm flying to Florida to spend Spring Break with Lisa and the kids. I doubt that I'll be able to keep up but have been assured that the Magic Kingdom has plenty of benches. It doesn't really matter, I'm just so grateful to be taking a trip somewhere other than Omaha!

What an amazing holiday we celebrate this weekend – remembering the greatest miracle of all time. Not just that Christ died and rose from the dead after fulfilling 100's of years of prophecies (the odds of which are greater than it was to win the Powerball last week), but perhaps the greatest miracle – that he did it out of love for US. Whether we love him or not, believe in him or not, spend time with him or allow our “important” commitments to push him out – he knew that we could never love him the way he loves us, yet still chose to die for each and every one of us. What an amazing expression of love! I know that's probably not novel news for most of you (and if it is, please call me). Anyway, since the best way to sum up Easter in 1 word is “love,” I started thinking of all the things I “love” (obviously a different level of “love”)
I love sunsets, sunny days on the beach, summer thunderstorms, and the peacefulness after a snowfall. I love the smell of barbeque, McDonalds ice cream, being on the water, good competition and a good massage. I love the sound of children's giggles, children's prayers, seeing people smile and having a good laugh. I love being surrounded by a supportive community and the feeling you get from helping others. I love my friends. I love my family. I love the faithfulness of our God and that He blesses us with future and a hope! Happy Easter!

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” ~ John 3:16

Sunny days

It’s sunny, the flowers are blooming (weeds are growing) and I’m definitely feeling better this week than for the past few! It’s easier to talk and I’m no longer straining muscles in my back from coughing. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m “better” because I can’t really remember how I felt before all of this started in February. So I’m not sure if I’m back to my “new baseline” but at this point I’m just grateful to be progressively improving. One day at a time and try to make the most of each of them.

Not the best week...

So, it's been another set of not so great days. (Glad there was plenty of basketball on TV since I spent the weekend on the couch). Can't really figure out why, but it's once again become difficult to breathe or carry on a conversation. It's the worst in the morning and then gradually seems to loosen up throughout the day with lots of coughing (I feel bad for my co-workers, esp those that share my office). I don't have a fever, sore throat or any other aches and pains that you would expect to accompany a virus so not really sure what triggered the set back this time. Dr Vose decreased my steroids a little bit when I saw her last week so maybe that's it. Who knows?!! (Yes, I did contact Omaha to see if they know, but am not expecting to hear anything earth-shattering). While I wait to hear back from them, I guess I'll keep doing what I do which is push on. Not sure that there's any other option to be honest. And things could be a lot worse – I could write a list a mile long of situations which would be worse. Top of that list would have to be losing my faith or questioning God's sovereignty. There's no way that I could get up every morning and face the challenges of the day if I didn't believe in something greater, that there was a plan beyond my comprehension, that suffering could have a purpose. My prayers always go out to those experiencing tough times - that they will feel God's presence and be given faith beyond measure. Through all of this, I've come to realize that in the big picture, that gift is much more valuable than any dose of healing.

March 13

I'm back from Omaha, but not much to report. It was a beautiful day and we were able to take a nice walk outside while killing time between appointments. Almost hard to remember all the days that we took that walk pushing an IV poll! All my labs are “normal” (glad something is!) and they still think that my troubles over the past month were due to the flu which in turn complicated the GVHD. No new treatments to try – just continue watching closely and report any changes ASAP. I didn't repeat my lung function tests today so they weren't able to give me any objective numbers but thought I was doing well. So that being said, guess I'll go back to “doing what I do” - which will include watching a lot of basketball over the next few weeks and returning to my germophobic, neurotic hand washing state. I can't afford to pick anything else up – need to be healthy for Easter!

97% !!!

I am happy to say that I feel like I finally turned a corner this week and have been feeling much better! Today I checked my oxygen saturation and it was 97% - much better than the 80’s of last week! I actually made it to the fitness room a couple times this week – didn’t do much and definitely have a long way to go, but at least I had the energy to try. And yesterday I was blessed with the opportunity to go to the Big 12 tournament and watch MU play – so much fun and so nice to have some “normalcy” again. Tomorrow morning is the big Healing Mass for the diocese (done as it is in Lourdes) so hopefully I'll actually be able to sing praises to our God. If anyone wants to join, let me know.
I go back to Omaha next Tuesday for a recheck with the pulmonologist and Dr Vose – I pray that they look at me with complete bewilderment and say, “I don’t know what happened – looks like a miracle!” :)

"For with God nothing shall be impossible". ~Luke 1:37

Made it home!

Mom and I survived our little overnight adventure (and I got a new toothbrush out of the deal) but Tuesday didn't go exactly as planned. We did make it home late Tuesday evening, but not without a little suspense. The doctors said that the bronchoscopy went “well” but my lungs must not have agreed because after the procedure, my oxygen levels were in the low 80's! I guess the fluid they used to “lavage” my lungs interfered with the oxygen exchange and I wasn't able to clear it out as well as others. So I spent 4-5 hours on oxygen waiting for my sats to improve. At about 4:30, the resident was in the room, saw 91% on the monitor for a couple minutes and said “good enough” and let me go home. I'm not real sure that the numbers would have stayed there if we had left the monitor on for much longer, but I was ready to go home so wasn't complaining. This morning, when I got to work, my O2 sats were back in the upper 80's-low 90's but by this afternoon, I was feeling better and they were solidly in the mid-90's! The early results of the specimens they collected looked “good” - no signs of fungal or viral infection so they're presuming that the shortness of breath I've been experiencing is due to a flare of GVHD. (The treatment for that is to stay on all the meds I'm currently taking, plus increasing the steroids) They won't have final results for a week or more so the waiting continues. I'll go back to Omaha in 2 weeks and this time we'll probably pack an overnight bag – just in case!

Still in Omaha

It's been a long day and at the end of it the pulmonologist wanted to do a bronchoscopy to try and determine if the recent set-backs are due to an infection or worsening of the GVHD. So, tomorrow morning I'll have the scope and then will hopefully be able to come home - won't get results for a couple days. Not exactly in the plan, but glad that they're able to get it done quickly - did I mention that neither Mom nor I packed ANYTHING? Good times.

We will rise!

There's a song that speaks to me and I heard it again today. While it was playing I thought, I need to figure out who sings it so that I can find the lyrics. At the end of the song, the DJ said, “ and if you want the lyrics to this song, just go to our webpage and click on the right hand side...”. So, figured that was a sign that I should share them on the blog – perhaps more for me than for anyone. They're such a good reminder that we will overcome all that this life throws at us. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or even in the way that we'd like, but we WILL rise out of these ashes. Tomorrow I head to Omaha to try and figure out what's going on in my lungs, I pray for encouraging news, but if not, I'll have the message of this blog to fall back on:
“Well I keep on coming to this place That I don't know quite how to face...
Sometimes my heart is on the ground And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew And yet I hold on to what I know is true
Yes I will rise, Out of these ashes, rise...
Cause He who is in me Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise”
~Shawn McDonald

Ash Wednesday - turning point

As most of you know, I've personally stopped using the word “coincidence” when it comes to my journey so I'll just give you a brief time line of my week (as ridiculous as it sounds) and you can draw your own conclusion. I was really struggling and felt pretty bad early in the week. By Wednesday morning, I was very tired, my chest ached from breathing and I realized that I had dropped 10 pounds (presumably from working to breathe - not exactly my idea of a good workout). My co-workers were becoming increasingly worried and plotted to take me to the ER. Instead, I convinced one of them to go to Ash Wednesday mass with me over lunch. No revelations during mass, just a typical start to Lent. I got back to the office, ate a little lunch, saw some patients and by mid-afternoon I noticed that I was feeling a little better. I got home from work and took a slow walk around the block and still felt “ok”. This morning, I was pleasantly surprised to still feel pretty good and that has continued all day (obviously not going out for a jog, but definitely not focused on every breath). Over the past few days, so many of you have helped me out with well wishes, cards, emails, texts... (many written and sent on Wednesday); all full of wonderful messages of hope and encouragement. And I know that many of you have been on your knees – for which I am also very grateful.
So, I feel like I'm in a better state of mind now. I'm definitely feeling better today than I have in almost 2 weeks! I wish that I could also say that I'm at a point where I'm grateful for this cross, but I'm not there yet. I continue to ponder the whole idea of being “happier” when we're asked to carry a cross. I guess in part, we should get peace just from knowing that we're "participating” and maybe that should be enough, but in my human condition, it rarely is. Today, my devotional was titled, “The Cross of Each Day". (Timely don't you think?) It talked about how we feel better when we carry the cross because that's when Jesus comes to our aid – we're walking closer to him. It talked about how accepting the Cross can produce peace and joy in the midst of pain and it means facing life courageously. Here's the quote I liked best, “Our Lord will give us the strength we need to carry that Cross with elegance and He will fill us with unimaginable graces and fruits.”
I pray that I'll learn to accept my path, and be able to do it with “elegance”.

Take a deep breath - and say thank you

It's a beautiful, sunny afternoon in February with temperatures nearing 50 degrees and I'm sitting on my couch, giving myself a breathing treatment – knowing that they haven't helped in the past but hopeful that maybe this time it will be different. I'm typing because I don't know what else to do (and it's all I have the energy to do). Overall, I feel better than a week ago, but after things seemed better on Tuesday, my recovery has sputtered out. I just can't breathe and that's scary. No longer is it just annoyance or frustration that I can't go for a walk,- I can't carry on a conversation without becoming warn out and out of breath. Yesterday Mom came over to help me with some things around the house because I was too tired to stand in the kitchen. Is this just part of the virus that I picked up and I need to be patient, or is this what the future holds? Over the past 2 years there have been plenty of days when I didn't feel good and God gave me the strength and courage to push through, I always had hope that better days were in store. But this feels different, this fear is different. I don't feel confident that this will pass. I feel like I'm losing hope and that's the last thing I want to do. After coming so far, I just can't imagine that this is what God has planned. Lent starts this week, and I'm trying so hard to be optimistic about the season – a time to grow, of hope and rebirth, but right now, I'm really just feeling sad. I pray that the next time I write a blog, I can tell you how much better I feel, but right now I can't even seem to find a silver lining. There's no way to sugar coat it, concentrating on each breath stinks. I frequently find myself telling people how I'm grateful for every day, I guess I need to take that a step further and remind people to be thankful for every breath! I know that I have a new appreciation.

“So do not fear, for I am with you;...I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10

On the mend

You know how when you complain about something and then it gets worse, you think, “wow, I shouldn’t have complained about that, maybe it wasn’t so bad”? Well, that happened to me this past weekend. I didn’t feel the best at work on Friday and by Friday afternoon I felt terrible. I proceeded to get a fever and the crud, slept all weekend and didn’t move too far from the couch. I've complained about my breathing before, but add a cold on that and it takes on a whole new meaning! What made it worse is that I had all these fun plans and had to miss all of them :( One of which was the Healing Mass at St Agnes – how ironic is that, that I was too sick to go to the Healing Mass! Anyway, the good news is that I’m feeling much better today and am optimistic that the cough will go away with time. Thank you to all of you that were praying for me this weekend – I know that it helped!

2 years...

Another anniversary – 2 years ago this weekend, as I was recovering from having my spleen removed, I received news of my stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Hard to believe that it's already been 2 years while at the same time, hard to believe that it's only been 2 years! So much has happened, yet you guys have remained by my side and haven't tired of my prayer requests (or haven't told me if you have!) You've been here for the crazy and the miraculous, the tears and the celebrations, the frustrations and the gratitude, and all the, “seriously, you've got to be kidding me” moments. It still brings me to tears when I think about all the love I’ve been shown. This past weekend I was once again blessed by faithful friends as a group of you surrounded me with prayers and support. What a great reminder of all the miracles God has done and the confidence in what He will continue to do. I left that gathering with such peace – regardless of what happens next week or next month, I know that God is a God of details. I’ve been strengthened by getting a glimpse at some of the “positive” things that have come from my journey as my experiences have helped or inspired others, but it’s really not me – it’s all of your love and support and God’s strength and faithfulness shining through me. I wouldn’t have made it through the initial rounds of chemo by myself, much less 2 years! So as people ask me how I’m doing, I'll be emphasizing how miraculous God has been, allowing me to be where I am today, and probably skip over the current discomforts. There's plenty of time for those another day.

Pray for the impossible

I guess it's a good thing when the blog entries get farther in between – means life is “boring”. We made another trip to Omaha last week and I guess the party line is that the trip was “fine”, report was “good”. I was a little under the weather so I felt bad for Mom since I wasn't much for company. But, the report was fine: labs were fine, liver and kidneys are functioning, weight is stable, lungs are the same. I should be happy with that report, right? I tell myself to be happy with that, but the truth is that I'm not. I'm thankful for every day and for my increasing strength, but I'm not satisfied with my lungs functioning at 50%. I'm not ok with feeling out of breath as I talk to patients or the thought of never being able to run again. For the past 5 months, I've sat back, been patient, tried to keep the positive attitude, looked for the silver lining, and waited for medical treatments to do their work - and to no real surprise, science seems to be falling short. So now I'm done waiting quietly, I'm putting all my cards in the hands of the one that's cured the incurable and given me strength when all else has failed. I'll still take the 15 pills every day but honestly, I think they've done all they can do. I feel a little bit like a spoiled child – continuing to ask for more despite all I've been given, but the bible tells us to bring our concerns to the Lord and to pray unceasingly. So, I'm going to become the squeaky wheel, praying night and day for some sort of miracle. I've always made it known to God that I wanted my lungs to heal, but now I'm asking God to heal my lungs. And I'm going to keep asking. I don't know what's at the end of this tunnel or how long it will take to get there, but I'm sure I'll know when I arrive. And when I do, I want people to know where my peace and healing have come from.

And Jesus looking upon (them) said to them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. ~ Matthew 19:26

Happy 2012

I hope your first week of this new year has been great. The weather in KC has been wonderful so it's hard to not feel good. I'm sure that winter will return any day so I'm trying to enjoy every nice day. NYE was quiet for me – ended up getting sick so it was an early night. But, felt much better on the 1st so not too bad and hopefully a sign of 2012 – (and MUCH better than being in a UNMC hospital room without heat.) Not only has another year come and gone, but another birthday has been “celebrated”. I was at work, but again, much better then last year when I was literally starving in Omaha. Doesn't seem like it's been a year since all that occurred. At first, I was frustrated thinking that it's been a YEAR since I got so sick and I'm still fighting to regain my strength. But then I started thinking about just how tough last winter was and how far I've come. I'm sure that 2 years ago, my primary concern was not what physical condition I'd be in in 2012 or whether I'd be able to run and work-out. This is 2012 and I'm working full time, I feel pretty good, I am surrounded by the love of family and friends, I haven't lost my faith, and I'm alive! Not a bad way for anyone to start the year. I recently read a little article about Gabby Gifford and it talked about the qualities that have sustained them through their trials. It's my 2012 resolution to try and keep these alive and active in my life: “be more patient, resist self-pity and embrace hope”. Happy 2012!