Day 8

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. One day I feel like I'm hanging in pretty well and dealing with all this, and the next day I can't hardly stand it with everything bringing me to tears. Today is an emotionally tough day. I've been here for 8 days and don't feel like they're any closer to figuring this out or having a plan than they were a week ago. In fact, it feels like the same thing over and over and over again. Tomorrow they are going to repeat the bronchoscopy (culture by “washing” my lungs, not taking a tissue sample) because nothing grew out last time so let's do it again and see if anything will grow this time. Seriously? I've been on IV antibiotics for 8 days, do you really think anything is going to show up on a culture? It would be nice if it did, because then we would know what to treat, but I really think they're just grasping at straws. I guess the plan is that if nothing grows on this 2nd go-around, they'll presume that the pneumonia is treated, stop the antibiotics, put me on steroids and hope for the best. Their confidence isn't giving me a lot of faith. I think the reason that this hospitalization has been so much tougher than the others is that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm fighting. I'm floating in the middle of the ocean in a boat without a rudder. In all the past battles, even if the diagnosis was grim, at least it had a name and the doctors had a plan and a direction. This feels so different, so helpless. Well, as you can tell, I have a poor attitude today so to try and improve it, I'll list some “silver linings”: I haven't run a fever since yesterday AM, I didn't have to get outside in the snow this morning, I have a private room at the hospital, Mom has generously been bringing food from home since only a couple of comfort foods even sound remotely appetizing, and even when I can't feel God's presence, I know that He's still by my side. So here's to tomorrow being a new day.