Day 325 - tired of waiting

Well it’s day 325, next week I head back to Omaha for my monthly check-in with Dr. Vose. I’m feeling pretty good. Last week I had a few days where I didn’t feel the best and rejection thoughts crossed my mind, but I think I just over-did it a bit and am feeling better this week. Praise God – I don’t know that I could mentally or physically handle another round with GVHD right now. Labs looked stable this week (platelets are still frustratingly low) and the pesky CMV virus is not detectable again – 2 weeks in a row! I’m really hoping that next week Dr Vose will give me the “OK” to do yard work since my white count has been stable. Probably sounds crazy to most of you, but I really miss mowing the yard, cleaning out the flower beds and planting the annuals. Something therapeutic about it, especially in the spring. I guess I’ve survived for 15 months and can wait a little longer if needed. (But I don’t like it). If I’m honest, there are several things that I’m really “missing” that come with the sunshine and nice weather. Over the coming weeks or months, I’m afraid those things might be harder to deal with than not being able to mow.

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” ~ Hebrews 12: 1-3

A look back...

I have to be honest, I don't really remember a lot of specifics about the past year (probably due to God's mercy), but my family reminded me of the blog entry I wrote a year ago so thought I'd post it again...

Back on track today as they've restarted the chemo. One day closer to being 75% done!! Today was a pretty good day. I've been fighting a headache which they say is from the LP- not sure how long that will last. It dawned on me this morning that this is the start of holy week and as much as I dislike the current journey that I'm on, it brings me closer to understanding the meaning of Easter. Without a cross, it is very difficult to follow Christ or understand what he did for us. Obviously all of us have our cross, mine happens to be big and hard to miss. Carrying it has allowed me to participate in Jesus' sacrifice, to relate a little better to Christ. Even though I won't be able to attend any Holy week services, I feel closer to Jesus this Easter than any other. I pray that as I bear my cross, I won't become bitter but rather that I'll have a greater appreciation of what our Lord did for us. That I'll be more motivated to follow and to serve. And after we've won this battle (and had a great party) I pray that God shows me how I can use this experience to serve Him better.

If any man would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. ~Matthew 16:24
Posted by Janna March 28, 2010

Happy Easter!

Hard to believe that it's Friday already, and that Easter is here! Not much has changed from the “health front” - maybe a little more hair and a little more weight ;) I'm still feeling good and sleeping good. Labs are stable – would like to have a few more platelets and a lot more strength, but so it goes. Last week when I was in Omaha, they didn't see any evidence of that pesky virus that won't seem to go away, (yea!) but this week the labs detected it again – very confusing, such the roller coaster ride. But what's new? I've come to expect the unexpected. Good way to help me remember who's really in charge I guess.
This week, I hope that you've all had time to truly think about “Easter”. I have to admit that I've had a hard time preparing for Easter. I can't seem to quiet my mind long enough to ponder how much Jesus endured in order to guarantee us a way into heaven – the betrayal, the denial, the abandonment, the physical pain... It's hard to think about all the suffering that occurred during the days preceding Easter, but if you choose to skip over that and go straight to Easter morning, it's just bunnies and baskets. To fully experience the true joy that Easter offers, you have to acknowledge the great sacrifice and love that led up to it. If you've never seen the Passion of the Christ, I highly recommend it – it's hard to watch, but it will give you a new appreciation for Easter and Christ's love for us. May you have a wonderful Easter – one full of overwhelming, unending joy.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” - John 3:16

“Not typical” - really? No!! :)

Mom, Dad and I made our monthly trek to Omaha today. As if we didn't already know, my body's response to this journey is once again “not typical” according to Dr Vose. This time it's in regards to why my hair hasn't grown back in the 300 days since my transplant (that's right, we've passed yet another landmark – 300 days!!!) Everything else looks good and Dr Vose is happy with my progress. She hopes to have me off all the immunosuppressants within a couple months and then take me off all the other meds – yea! That means removal of restrictions surrounding things like eating salad and working in the yard! We just need to keep the stem cells “playing nice” in the clubhouse yet not falling asleep on the cancer watch. Those would be the top 2 things on my prayer request list, with return of strength being #3. (I'm afraid I'm still a long way from returning to the athletic field :( And as for the hair regrowth – not sure that that makes the Top 10. I'll just be content with the pixie cut and having to put sunscreen on to protect my scalp! God has promised me a lot of things and has always provided more than I needed and all in the perfect timing. Can't recall any promises about “hair” during my quiet times but guess that too is in His plan – after all, he knows how many hairs are on my head, so he's well aware that I'm still on the sparse end of the spectrum. Must be a lesson here somewhere :)

“Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered...” Luke 12:7

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as long braided hair... Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. I Peter 3: 3-4.

He is ABLE

Wow- what happened to last week? Maybe it’s the thought of spring finally being around the corner that made last week go so fast – I can tell you that I definitely spent all week looking forward to the beautiful weather of the weekend! So I guess that’s my excuse for not sending an update – oops. Things continue to steadily improve leaving little room for complaint. My labs are stable (if not improving) and I have good energy, continue to sleep well (praise God!) and am slowly but surely able to “do” more and more. Not quite to sand volleyball or Ultimate shape, and my hair is growing too slow, but all that will come. Next week I head back to Omaha.
This weekend I went to a Women’s Conference and it was a great reminder of many things, but one of the big ones for me was that whatever we’re facing, our problems are not bigger than the power of God. God is able to do infinitely more than we could ever ask or our brains could imagine. So we need to let God out of the box that we’ve created and pray like we really believe that God is “able”! Give him the opportunity to amaze.

You have to ask

Wow, it’s already Thursday and I haven’t sent my weekly update! Probably a sign that I’m still looking for the “yellows”:) Things are still going pretty well around here – still feeling like the turtle, but maybe not quite so skinny. Labs looked almost exactly the same as last week except that the pesky CMV virus is back again – very short-lived absence. I don’t really understand why it keeps coming and going, but Dr. Vose thinks it has to do with my meds and being immunosuppressed. Rock and a hard place I guess. Just have to trust that God is orchestrating and the docs and I are listening! This week the topic of listening and faith have come up multiple times it seems. God’s word has clear promises for us, but despite prayers and waiting, they don’t always seem to be fulfilled in the time frame we had in mind. Are we doing something wrong? I don’t think so. I really don’t know why some promises and prayers are fulfilled quicker than others, and I don't think we ever will. What I do believe is that God is not going to force us to receive His promises or His blessings. If we don’t sincerely look to him and open our hearts to the Holy Spirit, I don’t think we’re going to truly experience the contentment and promises that are available. I believe that sometimes we’re quick to blame God for not answering when in fact we’ve never really asked or opened our hearts - perhaps out of pride and thinking we can do it on our own, perhaps out of fear. Take it from me, contentment is a very good place to be – don’t be afraid to let the Holy Spirit in and just have faith that the one who created the universe is more than capable of taking care of you. If you can’t find the “faith” – just keep asking and believing.

Red Lights

This morning I was once again reminded of my “slight” dislike for red lights as I hit pretty much every one red on my way to work. Did it really make a big difference in my commute, no. Did I still make it to the same endpoint, yes. Is getting annoyed with the stopping and starting bad for my stress level and just another sign of my never-ending struggle for patience – YES. What’s the point of this rambling? As I thought about how silly my driving habits are, it occurred to me that God also uses “red lights”. Putting things or people or events in our lives to make us stop, refocus, give us rest, whatever it is that we need at that moment. I’ve had more “red lights” than I would have liked over the past couple years (and I know that I’m not alone in struggles and trials). But I feel like God has had a real purpose behind all the red lights and the cross he’s called me to bear. There’s a peace that I can’t explain. My relationship has deepened and I have a greater appreciation for the time that I allow myself to stop and just listen. But even with that insight, I still struggle to do it. Now that I’m feeling better, my labs are stabilizing, daily life is getting back into a routine, I’m running the yellow lights and trying to avoid the reds. I’m falling back into the mindset of “doing”. When looking at my schedule for the week, I’m not looking at a schedule that allows me quiet time to hear God’s voice and recharge, but one where I’m trying to figure out when I can get the laundry done. I know this is human nature, esp for the Type A’s out there, but with some help and limit setting, it can be overcome. It will take a lot of divine intervention and assistance in my case! My goal is to not get wrapped back up in “go-go-go,” but rather to be able to sit back, take a deep breath and enjoy the red lights.

Case in point, I don't have time to look up a verse for today's post - what comes to mind is "be quiet, I am God" - probably as appropriate as any :)