Reasonable Expectations

I can't believe in my last blog I actually put in writing that I had successfully escaped catching my family's colds from Thanksgiving. That's like commenting mid-vacation about how all the flights have been on time or mentioning on the way to work how light the traffic is or saying the “Q” word around a medical office or hospital (quiet for those of you who opted out of the chaos). As soon as you talk about it, it's bound to happen. Well like clockwork, I sent my blog Monday morning and started feeling a little scratchy in the throat by that afternoon and by that evening I had to carry the box of tissues around the house with me. Ughhh! I started pounding the Vit C and zinc, and had a non-stop dialogue with God pleading that I didn't get sick. I pulled out the Vicks, added extra pillows and headed to bed, sure that I'd toss and turn only to wake up with a full-on cold. Surprisingly, I slept great, woke up with the alarm, no problem breathing, felt great. I thanked God but still wasn't convinced that the cold wasn't lurking, ready to pounce at any moment. It's now 4 days later, still feel pretty good. Little bit of a sniffle now and then but definitely nothing to complain about and yet still I'm leery to proclaim God's mercy and miracle. I privately thank Him a lot, but I hesitate to tell anyone else about my week. Why is that? I found that I do the same thing with the cancer – I've never spoken the words, “I'm cured of cancer.” I tell people that “things are going well” or that “I'm doing better than I should be” or that “the doctor's can't find any signs of the cancer” but I stop short of saying that God has cured me. I openly give Him credit for all that's happened, but it's like I don't want to set the bar too high. Am I trying to protect God??? If I tell everyone that God miraculously cured my rare, aggressive cancer, and then it comes back, is that saying that God failed? I thank Him for every day and try to live each day to the fullest but never presume or proclaim that this battle has been won. I've always been like this, even in competition; try to keep people's expectations of myself and others reasonable. I didn't talk smack very well because I didn't want to risk having to eat my words. And that's on the playing field, this is the God of the universe that we're talking about. What if that's not His plan and I go around telling everyone that it is? If I keep the bar a little lower, it keeps people's expectations a little lower so there's less chance that they'll be “let down” by my God – the God that I love and I believe can do all things and that has mercy on me every day. I don't want to take the chance of shattering someone else's opinion of my God or weakening their faith. So I continue to choose my words cautiously. I guess I'm still not sure of God's plan for my life. I'm sure that God looks down on me with pity and a touch of frustration, wishing that I'd let Him out of the box. He's a big guy, He can stand up for himself.

Being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Phil. 1:6

(side note: there is a difference between “cured” and “healed” – a topic too long for today)

God's promise

Sorry I didn't send an update last week. I had one ready to send on Thursday evening, but haven't had internet access for a few days so … Since I last posted, things have gone well. Energy has been good, the swelling in my legs has been stable (initially it went down significantly after changing medicines but that has slowed a little bit), no more swelling in my face, and despite traveling over the holidays, I've stayed “cold-free”! I'll draw labs again tomorrow and I'm confident that those will continue to improve. At work, our office is moving down the street, so I've been forced to go through my desk and all that I've managed to collect over the past 10 years. I really don't like moving so it's been a long week. But, in the process I ran across a couple of sayings that I had saved at some point along the way and thought I'd share. The words seem particularly relevant for me and they must be important if I've saved it for all these years, right?!! :)
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Thanksgiving!!!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend and that you were able to find lots of things to be thankful for! If not, let me know and I'll be glad to share some of mine for I have been well blessed despite this crazy year. Every day is a new day and one for which I strive to be thankful.
I was able to spend Thanksgiving in N.C. with family. This was the first trip that I've taken in almost a year and a half (not counting Omaha) so it felt very good. I was probably exposed to more germs in the past 5 days than in the past 5 months, so I've been praying for God's bubble of protection! Overall, I've been feeling good. Still can't keep up with Connor and Katie, but am getting closer. The swelling in my legs is already starting to go down which is better than I can express and my labs looked good today. Hgb, WBC and platelet levels on the rise!

God, your mercies are new to me every day! I give You thanks for renewing my health and for relief from my pain and worry. Continue your healing within me, that I may return to the work you have given me to do. Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dad and my trip to Omaha was relatively uneventful. I’d have to say that stopping at Trader Joes (1st time) was probably the most exciting part. Labs are once again relatively unchanged and Dr Vose can’t find a specific reason for the weird symptoms I’m experiencing (no major organ failure – whew). All the scans from last week came back normal. Soooo, she thinks it’s probably being caused by the FK (my antirejection med). I only have another month or so to be on it, but she decided to switch me to a different one in the meantime to try and get my blood counts up and swelling down! It will probably be a couple weeks before I can tell if it’s helping, but am glad to be trying something!
Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Psalm 100: 4-5

Maybe this week...

Change of plans – with the uncertain labs, the swelling in my legs and the GVHD rash, Dr Vose decided that she needed to see me next week so Monday morning I'll be heading back to Omaha. Maybe this will be my week of answers! Pray for wisdom...

Friday, Friday, Friday!!

I think this week was a “push” when it comes to all that is in the land of Janna. No bad news, no good news, no answers. Thinking back on it, I'm actually pretty happy that they didn't find any answers since the tests they were running all looked at the functioning of my heart! I actually don't have the official readings from the ECHO and leg scans that they ran on Thursday, but if you have enough tests, you get pretty good at reading the technologist. When they play the “I can't interpret the test” card or say that your doctor will be notified of the results today and that you will receive a call, that's a bad thing. I was told that my physician would be given the results sometime next week. :)
As for the blood work, everything looked relatively unchanged from last week. Good in that my hgb didn't fall further, but it didn't go up either. I started noticing a rash this week which Omaha feels is most likely a sign of some GVHD but at this point, we’ll treat it with cortisone cream. Dr Vose is out of the country this week so no big changes – must be a rough life.
Regardless, I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, I'll gladly take a “push” and legs that look and feel like tree trunks if it means spending the holidays with those I love.
“If you look, you can always find a silver lining” ~JW

Happy Monday!!

Sorry I didn't send out an update end of last week. I was hoping that lab results would come in so that I'd have some "answers" to share but I didn't hear back from the doctor until today. The additional labs didn't reveal anything to speak of - definitely no reason for the dropping hemoglobin. They're going to wait to make any changes until they see how this week's labs look. (when all else fails, give it 1 more week). This week has the potential to be a week full of answers. I saw my primary care doc this morning to talk about my swelling and she's ordered... you guessed it, some more labwork. And an ultrasound of my legs and heart to make sure the circulation is ok. Will let you know what I find out as the week goes on. Thanks for the continued support and concern!