On the mend

You know how when you complain about something and then it gets worse, you think, “wow, I shouldn’t have complained about that, maybe it wasn’t so bad”? Well, that happened to me this past weekend. I didn’t feel the best at work on Friday and by Friday afternoon I felt terrible. I proceeded to get a fever and the crud, slept all weekend and didn’t move too far from the couch. I've complained about my breathing before, but add a cold on that and it takes on a whole new meaning! What made it worse is that I had all these fun plans and had to miss all of them :( One of which was the Healing Mass at St Agnes – how ironic is that, that I was too sick to go to the Healing Mass! Anyway, the good news is that I’m feeling much better today and am optimistic that the cough will go away with time. Thank you to all of you that were praying for me this weekend – I know that it helped!

2 years...

Another anniversary – 2 years ago this weekend, as I was recovering from having my spleen removed, I received news of my stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Hard to believe that it's already been 2 years while at the same time, hard to believe that it's only been 2 years! So much has happened, yet you guys have remained by my side and haven't tired of my prayer requests (or haven't told me if you have!) You've been here for the crazy and the miraculous, the tears and the celebrations, the frustrations and the gratitude, and all the, “seriously, you've got to be kidding me” moments. It still brings me to tears when I think about all the love I’ve been shown. This past weekend I was once again blessed by faithful friends as a group of you surrounded me with prayers and support. What a great reminder of all the miracles God has done and the confidence in what He will continue to do. I left that gathering with such peace – regardless of what happens next week or next month, I know that God is a God of details. I’ve been strengthened by getting a glimpse at some of the “positive” things that have come from my journey as my experiences have helped or inspired others, but it’s really not me – it’s all of your love and support and God’s strength and faithfulness shining through me. I wouldn’t have made it through the initial rounds of chemo by myself, much less 2 years! So as people ask me how I’m doing, I'll be emphasizing how miraculous God has been, allowing me to be where I am today, and probably skip over the current discomforts. There's plenty of time for those another day.

Pray for the impossible

I guess it's a good thing when the blog entries get farther in between – means life is “boring”. We made another trip to Omaha last week and I guess the party line is that the trip was “fine”, report was “good”. I was a little under the weather so I felt bad for Mom since I wasn't much for company. But, the report was fine: labs were fine, liver and kidneys are functioning, weight is stable, lungs are the same. I should be happy with that report, right? I tell myself to be happy with that, but the truth is that I'm not. I'm thankful for every day and for my increasing strength, but I'm not satisfied with my lungs functioning at 50%. I'm not ok with feeling out of breath as I talk to patients or the thought of never being able to run again. For the past 5 months, I've sat back, been patient, tried to keep the positive attitude, looked for the silver lining, and waited for medical treatments to do their work - and to no real surprise, science seems to be falling short. So now I'm done waiting quietly, I'm putting all my cards in the hands of the one that's cured the incurable and given me strength when all else has failed. I'll still take the 15 pills every day but honestly, I think they've done all they can do. I feel a little bit like a spoiled child – continuing to ask for more despite all I've been given, but the bible tells us to bring our concerns to the Lord and to pray unceasingly. So, I'm going to become the squeaky wheel, praying night and day for some sort of miracle. I've always made it known to God that I wanted my lungs to heal, but now I'm asking God to heal my lungs. And I'm going to keep asking. I don't know what's at the end of this tunnel or how long it will take to get there, but I'm sure I'll know when I arrive. And when I do, I want people to know where my peace and healing have come from.

And Jesus looking upon (them) said to them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. ~ Matthew 19:26

Happy 2012

I hope your first week of this new year has been great. The weather in KC has been wonderful so it's hard to not feel good. I'm sure that winter will return any day so I'm trying to enjoy every nice day. NYE was quiet for me – ended up getting sick so it was an early night. But, felt much better on the 1st so not too bad and hopefully a sign of 2012 – (and MUCH better than being in a UNMC hospital room without heat.) Not only has another year come and gone, but another birthday has been “celebrated”. I was at work, but again, much better then last year when I was literally starving in Omaha. Doesn't seem like it's been a year since all that occurred. At first, I was frustrated thinking that it's been a YEAR since I got so sick and I'm still fighting to regain my strength. But then I started thinking about just how tough last winter was and how far I've come. I'm sure that 2 years ago, my primary concern was not what physical condition I'd be in in 2012 or whether I'd be able to run and work-out. This is 2012 and I'm working full time, I feel pretty good, I am surrounded by the love of family and friends, I haven't lost my faith, and I'm alive! Not a bad way for anyone to start the year. I recently read a little article about Gabby Gifford and it talked about the qualities that have sustained them through their trials. It's my 2012 resolution to try and keep these alive and active in my life: “be more patient, resist self-pity and embrace hope”. Happy 2012!

Merry Christmas 2011!

Merry Christmas! (a couple days late). The past week has flown by in Kansas City – each day after work, I'd head to Mom and Dad's for dinner and to hang out with the family. So it's been very full days of family, food and lots of games! Keith is still in town for another couple days so the fun continues - at least a little longer! I'm so grateful that I've been feeling well through the holidays- not sure that I was able to keep up with the kids, but did ok :). My energy has been pretty good, my stomach continues to hang in there and no emergency trips to Omaha this year! How much difference a year can make!
I never feel like I'm really ready for Christmas and am always sad when it's over. I spend advent trying to get mentally prepared, pondering the meaning of the season, striving to get excited for Christmas and yet I never feel like I'm as “excited and happy” as I should be. Then it's over and I feel like I've missed something. It's like I can't wrap my brain around what we're celebrating because if I could, I'd be ecstatic. Even after all that's happened the past 2 years, I still struggle to really appreciate the birthday of the savior of the world. Why is that? Maybe it's the busyness of our days or the crowds at the mall – the devil has done a great job of distracting us from what December 25th stands for. I've probably heard this verse from Luke 100 times, but for some reason I never “heard” the symbolism until this year or thought that it in any way related to me - “but there was no room for them in the inn” - Would there be room in the inn today? I know that God still has a purpose for me, and when he knocks, I pray that I do not turn him away because “there's no room" for him. So, even though another Christmas has come and gone, I will continue to seek so that I can “see the star and rejoice”.

Pretty much the same...

Kind-of a dreary day all the way around. Most of the trip to Omaha was either overcast or raining, (but thankfully it wasn't freezing). Once we got there things went rather smoothly. As I suspected, not much has changed since November. Blood work is stable and chest Xray looks the same. The amount of air that I can move out of my lungs changed very little – from 49% to 51%. :( That translates to feeling fine doing day to day things but getting winded with any exertion. Dr Vose reminded me that we should be happy that the condition of my lungs hasn't deteriorated and has shown positive, albeit small, improvement. However, all I can think about is that the reality is that they might never get better and I'm still not ready to come to terms with that. At this point there's not much we can do but wait and pray. I will strive to keep positive and not allow myself to dwell on what I can't do but remind myself of all that I can and have faith in God's healing. And the way it looks now, I should actually be able to enjoy Christmas, New Year and my birthday at home this year!

“I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from her to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” ~Matthew 17:20-21

Day by Day

It's been a good couple weeks! I've had good energy, my stomach seems to be behaving for the most part, I'm able to work and finding time to play! This weekend I was able to get in some country dancing for the first time in a long time – it was great fun and thankfully my feet remembered what to do. Unfortunately, it was a painful reminder that my lungs still have a long way to go as I had to rest after each song. I guess we'll find out exactly where they are on Wednesday when I go back to Omaha for my monthly check. We're praying for greater than 48% functionality!