Faith or Worry

A quick update, I guess 4 weeks is the threshold for symptoms to persist before we are forced to take action. Since the loss of appetite and nausea refuse to go away, Tuesday morning I’m going to St Joe hospital for another EGD to rule out GVHD. The procedure itself should be pretty routine and quick, but it will probably be a week before we get results. I read somewhere that worry and faith can not co-exist so I’m trying very hard to not let my mind fall into the “what if” spiral. That only leads to worry and doubt and loss of sleep – none of which helps the situation. I have a lot of big tests over the next 9 days and to be honest, it's quite nerve racking. The results will have such a huge impact on my life. I plead and pray for good news – that I'm still in remission, that I'm not falling back into rejection, that all the treatments haven't left me with osteoporosis or other organ damage. The closer I get to the anniversary of my transplant, the more I realize how much easier it is to just not know. God has blessed me with peace through so many trials, I know that He won't leave me alone now. And am confident that my family, friends, and supporters around the country will continue to stand by my side whatever the future holds.

“Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep in the water.” Jer. 17: 7-8

True Image

Status hasn’t changed much in the past week – which could be viewed as a very good thing or a frustrating thing. I’m going to take the positive outlook in that I’m not writing this from a hospital room in Omaha! I still have days when I don’t feel very good but that only happens a couple times a week and on the others I just don’t have much of an appetite. My labs looked good yesterday but I was really hoping to break triple digits on my platelet count – 98 last week, 98 again this week. (150-400 is normal) Guess the office will have to wait another week for celebratory brownies! ;) Anyway, since I don’t have anything exciting to report, I’ll share a little tid bit of information that I recently heard. “Veronica” means “true image” and if you’ll recall, Veronica is who wiped Jesus’ face while he was carrying the cross and an image of Christ’s face was left on the cloth. I have not done the research to see if “Veronica” meant “true image” before Christ or only after the crucifixion. But in any case, a good reminder that we need to allow Christ to make a lasting impression on our lives. “Bad stuff” definitely leaves its impression, but hopefully God’s impression is deeper!

In a holding pattern

Thank you for all your prayers. I talked with Dr. Vose and she wants to "watch it" for a week and see what happens. Yesterday was better than Sunday and I feel pretty good this morning. I wish I could feel confident that all was on the up & up, but it seems like this has been the pattern the last couple weeks - 2-3 ok days, then a bad day. It's hard to be confident in anything when it can change so fast. For now I'll continue to pray for the strength to trust and for God to do the healing.

Prayer request

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for, but am sure that prayers would help. I can't really pinpoint anything specific but I just don't feel good. I'm really afraid that I'm heading back down the path of GVHD. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to test for that. I hate this feeling of uncertainty and "fear". I know that I need to continue trusting in God's ability to take care of me, but I'm having a hard time even formulating prayers. Please pray that God will remove my fears, that my symptoms will disappear, that Dr. Vose will have wisdom, and that I will have the strength to deal with whatever comes of this. Thank you.

Woo-Hoo, I can mow again!

I'm headed home from Omaha after another successfully uneventful visit with Dr. Vose. My labs are stable, platelets still low. She's continuing to decrease my meds – I'm stopping the last of the steroids and if the CMV is negative again this week I'll get to stop the anti-viral which should allow my platelet count to start increasing. (But I do have to restart the potassium – ughh). So, nothing too exciting EXCEPT that she gave me the go-ahead to working in the yard again! I know most of you are wondering why I'm excited about that, but there's something therapeutic about yardwork and it's another step toward feeling normal again! I guess I'm presuming that my legs are going to hold out and allow me to successfully complete the job – it won't be nearly as rewarding if I can't actually do it. I'm not really worried about that – might take me twice as long as it did 2 years ago, but I'll finish it – you can put your money on that. Just like you can still count on us winning this battle and continuing to see God glorified every step of the way. Next big landmark is quickly approaching with the 1 year anniversary of my transplant. Let the countdown begin to June 14th! (I figure I'll get to mow the yard at least 4 times between now and then :))

Day 325 - tired of waiting

Well it’s day 325, next week I head back to Omaha for my monthly check-in with Dr. Vose. I’m feeling pretty good. Last week I had a few days where I didn’t feel the best and rejection thoughts crossed my mind, but I think I just over-did it a bit and am feeling better this week. Praise God – I don’t know that I could mentally or physically handle another round with GVHD right now. Labs looked stable this week (platelets are still frustratingly low) and the pesky CMV virus is not detectable again – 2 weeks in a row! I’m really hoping that next week Dr Vose will give me the “OK” to do yard work since my white count has been stable. Probably sounds crazy to most of you, but I really miss mowing the yard, cleaning out the flower beds and planting the annuals. Something therapeutic about it, especially in the spring. I guess I’ve survived for 15 months and can wait a little longer if needed. (But I don’t like it). If I’m honest, there are several things that I’m really “missing” that come with the sunshine and nice weather. Over the coming weeks or months, I’m afraid those things might be harder to deal with than not being able to mow.

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” ~ Hebrews 12: 1-3