Made it home!

Mom and I survived our little overnight adventure (and I got a new toothbrush out of the deal) but Tuesday didn't go exactly as planned. We did make it home late Tuesday evening, but not without a little suspense. The doctors said that the bronchoscopy went “well” but my lungs must not have agreed because after the procedure, my oxygen levels were in the low 80's! I guess the fluid they used to “lavage” my lungs interfered with the oxygen exchange and I wasn't able to clear it out as well as others. So I spent 4-5 hours on oxygen waiting for my sats to improve. At about 4:30, the resident was in the room, saw 91% on the monitor for a couple minutes and said “good enough” and let me go home. I'm not real sure that the numbers would have stayed there if we had left the monitor on for much longer, but I was ready to go home so wasn't complaining. This morning, when I got to work, my O2 sats were back in the upper 80's-low 90's but by this afternoon, I was feeling better and they were solidly in the mid-90's! The early results of the specimens they collected looked “good” - no signs of fungal or viral infection so they're presuming that the shortness of breath I've been experiencing is due to a flare of GVHD. (The treatment for that is to stay on all the meds I'm currently taking, plus increasing the steroids) They won't have final results for a week or more so the waiting continues. I'll go back to Omaha in 2 weeks and this time we'll probably pack an overnight bag – just in case!

Still in Omaha

It's been a long day and at the end of it the pulmonologist wanted to do a bronchoscopy to try and determine if the recent set-backs are due to an infection or worsening of the GVHD. So, tomorrow morning I'll have the scope and then will hopefully be able to come home - won't get results for a couple days. Not exactly in the plan, but glad that they're able to get it done quickly - did I mention that neither Mom nor I packed ANYTHING? Good times.

We will rise!

There's a song that speaks to me and I heard it again today. While it was playing I thought, I need to figure out who sings it so that I can find the lyrics. At the end of the song, the DJ said, “ and if you want the lyrics to this song, just go to our webpage and click on the right hand side...”. So, figured that was a sign that I should share them on the blog – perhaps more for me than for anyone. They're such a good reminder that we will overcome all that this life throws at us. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or even in the way that we'd like, but we WILL rise out of these ashes. Tomorrow I head to Omaha to try and figure out what's going on in my lungs, I pray for encouraging news, but if not, I'll have the message of this blog to fall back on:
“Well I keep on coming to this place That I don't know quite how to face...
Sometimes my heart is on the ground And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew And yet I hold on to what I know is true
Yes I will rise, Out of these ashes, rise...
Cause He who is in me Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise”
~Shawn McDonald

Ash Wednesday - turning point

As most of you know, I've personally stopped using the word “coincidence” when it comes to my journey so I'll just give you a brief time line of my week (as ridiculous as it sounds) and you can draw your own conclusion. I was really struggling and felt pretty bad early in the week. By Wednesday morning, I was very tired, my chest ached from breathing and I realized that I had dropped 10 pounds (presumably from working to breathe - not exactly my idea of a good workout). My co-workers were becoming increasingly worried and plotted to take me to the ER. Instead, I convinced one of them to go to Ash Wednesday mass with me over lunch. No revelations during mass, just a typical start to Lent. I got back to the office, ate a little lunch, saw some patients and by mid-afternoon I noticed that I was feeling a little better. I got home from work and took a slow walk around the block and still felt “ok”. This morning, I was pleasantly surprised to still feel pretty good and that has continued all day (obviously not going out for a jog, but definitely not focused on every breath). Over the past few days, so many of you have helped me out with well wishes, cards, emails, texts... (many written and sent on Wednesday); all full of wonderful messages of hope and encouragement. And I know that many of you have been on your knees – for which I am also very grateful.
So, I feel like I'm in a better state of mind now. I'm definitely feeling better today than I have in almost 2 weeks! I wish that I could also say that I'm at a point where I'm grateful for this cross, but I'm not there yet. I continue to ponder the whole idea of being “happier” when we're asked to carry a cross. I guess in part, we should get peace just from knowing that we're "participating” and maybe that should be enough, but in my human condition, it rarely is. Today, my devotional was titled, “The Cross of Each Day". (Timely don't you think?) It talked about how we feel better when we carry the cross because that's when Jesus comes to our aid – we're walking closer to him. It talked about how accepting the Cross can produce peace and joy in the midst of pain and it means facing life courageously. Here's the quote I liked best, “Our Lord will give us the strength we need to carry that Cross with elegance and He will fill us with unimaginable graces and fruits.”
I pray that I'll learn to accept my path, and be able to do it with “elegance”.

Take a deep breath - and say thank you

It's a beautiful, sunny afternoon in February with temperatures nearing 50 degrees and I'm sitting on my couch, giving myself a breathing treatment – knowing that they haven't helped in the past but hopeful that maybe this time it will be different. I'm typing because I don't know what else to do (and it's all I have the energy to do). Overall, I feel better than a week ago, but after things seemed better on Tuesday, my recovery has sputtered out. I just can't breathe and that's scary. No longer is it just annoyance or frustration that I can't go for a walk,- I can't carry on a conversation without becoming warn out and out of breath. Yesterday Mom came over to help me with some things around the house because I was too tired to stand in the kitchen. Is this just part of the virus that I picked up and I need to be patient, or is this what the future holds? Over the past 2 years there have been plenty of days when I didn't feel good and God gave me the strength and courage to push through, I always had hope that better days were in store. But this feels different, this fear is different. I don't feel confident that this will pass. I feel like I'm losing hope and that's the last thing I want to do. After coming so far, I just can't imagine that this is what God has planned. Lent starts this week, and I'm trying so hard to be optimistic about the season – a time to grow, of hope and rebirth, but right now, I'm really just feeling sad. I pray that the next time I write a blog, I can tell you how much better I feel, but right now I can't even seem to find a silver lining. There's no way to sugar coat it, concentrating on each breath stinks. I frequently find myself telling people how I'm grateful for every day, I guess I need to take that a step further and remind people to be thankful for every breath! I know that I have a new appreciation.

“So do not fear, for I am with you;...I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10

On the mend

You know how when you complain about something and then it gets worse, you think, “wow, I shouldn’t have complained about that, maybe it wasn’t so bad”? Well, that happened to me this past weekend. I didn’t feel the best at work on Friday and by Friday afternoon I felt terrible. I proceeded to get a fever and the crud, slept all weekend and didn’t move too far from the couch. I've complained about my breathing before, but add a cold on that and it takes on a whole new meaning! What made it worse is that I had all these fun plans and had to miss all of them :( One of which was the Healing Mass at St Agnes – how ironic is that, that I was too sick to go to the Healing Mass! Anyway, the good news is that I’m feeling much better today and am optimistic that the cough will go away with time. Thank you to all of you that were praying for me this weekend – I know that it helped!