Another hill

This has been a hard week for me – not because I’m feeling any different than I usually do, but because, once again, the reality of where I’m at and what I’ve been through is smacking me in the face. My strength has been coming back nicely, I’m sleeping well, gaining weight, enjoying work, and as you know was ready to “re-enter” the world of sports, but this shortness of breath will not leave me alone. Initially I thought it was due to being out of shape, but as the weeks have gone on, it’s not getting better and doesn’t feel like being winded from pushing too hard. To no one’s surprise, I started myself on some asthma meds and inhalers to see if that would help and it’s really done nothing. So, after bringing the issue back up to Dr Vose, she decided that I should repeat some lung tests (PFT’s) to check my lung volume… (I’ve been doing these about every 3 months since I got sick and they’ve always been normal.) Yesterday I went in for the tests and this morning Omaha called to tell me that the results aren’t good, “severe restriction” of lung function. I’m presuming that it’s related to the treatments and the transplant, but no one really wants to tell me the outlook – permanent? Reversible? Progressive? All they would really tell me is that I need to see a pulmonologist. I have an appointment Monday which I guess is a good thing so that I won’t have to wait very long for some sort of answer. I’ve received a lot of shitty news over the past 20 months but have always had the grace to accept it and keep my spirits up. I pray that that will happen again, but right now I’m really having a hard time just making it through the day without crying. If I stop working or give myself time to think about it, the tears start to flow. For so long, one of my largest motivations to keep pushing was to get back in the game, back on the field. It’s been so hard sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone do what I used to take foregranted, but I’ve been able to because I believed that one day I’d be able to run again. I pray that God will not take that dream from me. So if you’d like to add another prayer request to your list, please pray that the doctors will have knowledge in how to treat this, that the damage to my lungs will not be permanent, that I will continue to trust God’s sovereignty, and that he will give me the grace and strength to accept whatever is to come. For now, I’m going to try and enjoy a beautiful fall weekend at the CCS retreat. I’ll update when I know more.