2 years...

Another anniversary – 2 years ago this weekend, as I was recovering from having my spleen removed, I received news of my stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Hard to believe that it's already been 2 years while at the same time, hard to believe that it's only been 2 years! So much has happened, yet you guys have remained by my side and haven't tired of my prayer requests (or haven't told me if you have!) You've been here for the crazy and the miraculous, the tears and the celebrations, the frustrations and the gratitude, and all the, “seriously, you've got to be kidding me” moments. It still brings me to tears when I think about all the love I’ve been shown. This past weekend I was once again blessed by faithful friends as a group of you surrounded me with prayers and support. What a great reminder of all the miracles God has done and the confidence in what He will continue to do. I left that gathering with such peace – regardless of what happens next week or next month, I know that God is a God of details. I’ve been strengthened by getting a glimpse at some of the “positive” things that have come from my journey as my experiences have helped or inspired others, but it’s really not me – it’s all of your love and support and God’s strength and faithfulness shining through me. I wouldn’t have made it through the initial rounds of chemo by myself, much less 2 years! So as people ask me how I’m doing, I'll be emphasizing how miraculous God has been, allowing me to be where I am today, and probably skip over the current discomforts. There's plenty of time for those another day.

Pray for the impossible

I guess it's a good thing when the blog entries get farther in between – means life is “boring”. We made another trip to Omaha last week and I guess the party line is that the trip was “fine”, report was “good”. I was a little under the weather so I felt bad for Mom since I wasn't much for company. But, the report was fine: labs were fine, liver and kidneys are functioning, weight is stable, lungs are the same. I should be happy with that report, right? I tell myself to be happy with that, but the truth is that I'm not. I'm thankful for every day and for my increasing strength, but I'm not satisfied with my lungs functioning at 50%. I'm not ok with feeling out of breath as I talk to patients or the thought of never being able to run again. For the past 5 months, I've sat back, been patient, tried to keep the positive attitude, looked for the silver lining, and waited for medical treatments to do their work - and to no real surprise, science seems to be falling short. So now I'm done waiting quietly, I'm putting all my cards in the hands of the one that's cured the incurable and given me strength when all else has failed. I'll still take the 15 pills every day but honestly, I think they've done all they can do. I feel a little bit like a spoiled child – continuing to ask for more despite all I've been given, but the bible tells us to bring our concerns to the Lord and to pray unceasingly. So, I'm going to become the squeaky wheel, praying night and day for some sort of miracle. I've always made it known to God that I wanted my lungs to heal, but now I'm asking God to heal my lungs. And I'm going to keep asking. I don't know what's at the end of this tunnel or how long it will take to get there, but I'm sure I'll know when I arrive. And when I do, I want people to know where my peace and healing have come from.

And Jesus looking upon (them) said to them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. ~ Matthew 19:26

Happy 2012

I hope your first week of this new year has been great. The weather in KC has been wonderful so it's hard to not feel good. I'm sure that winter will return any day so I'm trying to enjoy every nice day. NYE was quiet for me – ended up getting sick so it was an early night. But, felt much better on the 1st so not too bad and hopefully a sign of 2012 – (and MUCH better than being in a UNMC hospital room without heat.) Not only has another year come and gone, but another birthday has been “celebrated”. I was at work, but again, much better then last year when I was literally starving in Omaha. Doesn't seem like it's been a year since all that occurred. At first, I was frustrated thinking that it's been a YEAR since I got so sick and I'm still fighting to regain my strength. But then I started thinking about just how tough last winter was and how far I've come. I'm sure that 2 years ago, my primary concern was not what physical condition I'd be in in 2012 or whether I'd be able to run and work-out. This is 2012 and I'm working full time, I feel pretty good, I am surrounded by the love of family and friends, I haven't lost my faith, and I'm alive! Not a bad way for anyone to start the year. I recently read a little article about Gabby Gifford and it talked about the qualities that have sustained them through their trials. It's my 2012 resolution to try and keep these alive and active in my life: “be more patient, resist self-pity and embrace hope”. Happy 2012!