You have to ask

Wow, it’s already Thursday and I haven’t sent my weekly update! Probably a sign that I’m still looking for the “yellows”:) Things are still going pretty well around here – still feeling like the turtle, but maybe not quite so skinny. Labs looked almost exactly the same as last week except that the pesky CMV virus is back again – very short-lived absence. I don’t really understand why it keeps coming and going, but Dr. Vose thinks it has to do with my meds and being immunosuppressed. Rock and a hard place I guess. Just have to trust that God is orchestrating and the docs and I are listening! This week the topic of listening and faith have come up multiple times it seems. God’s word has clear promises for us, but despite prayers and waiting, they don’t always seem to be fulfilled in the time frame we had in mind. Are we doing something wrong? I don’t think so. I really don’t know why some promises and prayers are fulfilled quicker than others, and I don't think we ever will. What I do believe is that God is not going to force us to receive His promises or His blessings. If we don’t sincerely look to him and open our hearts to the Holy Spirit, I don’t think we’re going to truly experience the contentment and promises that are available. I believe that sometimes we’re quick to blame God for not answering when in fact we’ve never really asked or opened our hearts - perhaps out of pride and thinking we can do it on our own, perhaps out of fear. Take it from me, contentment is a very good place to be – don’t be afraid to let the Holy Spirit in and just have faith that the one who created the universe is more than capable of taking care of you. If you can’t find the “faith” – just keep asking and believing.

Red Lights

This morning I was once again reminded of my “slight” dislike for red lights as I hit pretty much every one red on my way to work. Did it really make a big difference in my commute, no. Did I still make it to the same endpoint, yes. Is getting annoyed with the stopping and starting bad for my stress level and just another sign of my never-ending struggle for patience – YES. What’s the point of this rambling? As I thought about how silly my driving habits are, it occurred to me that God also uses “red lights”. Putting things or people or events in our lives to make us stop, refocus, give us rest, whatever it is that we need at that moment. I’ve had more “red lights” than I would have liked over the past couple years (and I know that I’m not alone in struggles and trials). But I feel like God has had a real purpose behind all the red lights and the cross he’s called me to bear. There’s a peace that I can’t explain. My relationship has deepened and I have a greater appreciation for the time that I allow myself to stop and just listen. But even with that insight, I still struggle to do it. Now that I’m feeling better, my labs are stabilizing, daily life is getting back into a routine, I’m running the yellow lights and trying to avoid the reds. I’m falling back into the mindset of “doing”. When looking at my schedule for the week, I’m not looking at a schedule that allows me quiet time to hear God’s voice and recharge, but one where I’m trying to figure out when I can get the laundry done. I know this is human nature, esp for the Type A’s out there, but with some help and limit setting, it can be overcome. It will take a lot of divine intervention and assistance in my case! My goal is to not get wrapped back up in “go-go-go,” but rather to be able to sit back, take a deep breath and enjoy the red lights.

Case in point, I don't have time to look up a verse for today's post - what comes to mind is "be quiet, I am God" - probably as appropriate as any :)

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To the Cloud!

I'm happy to report that once again God has brought rest to the weary and heard my cries! I'm now going on 4 nights of pretty good sleep! Not exactly 8 uninterrupted hours but sooooo much better than it has been.
Hard to believe that it's already been a month since my last trip to Omaha, but today we headed back north to check in. The weather is rainy and cold, but my labs looked good and Dr Vose is happy with my progress. They've stopped my steroids and as long as the CMV levels continue to decrease will start decreasing my anti-virals. The most exciting part of the visit was that I got my first vaccine! When I received the stem cell transplant, I lost all the immunity that we developed as kids – chicken pox, pertussis, meningitis, tetanus, polio, hepatitis, flu... Might not be exciting to most, but for me it's a big deal – and no, I'm not worried about it giving me autism! :)
"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." ~Psalm 34:4

(Just realized that the message board wasn't working but it should be up and running again)

Like a skinny turtle...

Slow but sure wins the race, isn't that how the saying goes? I really can't complain. I feel good, I'm able to go to work every day, the variety of foods that I can eat continues to expand, I have a good appetite, sleep's still not what it used to be, but improving and I've just rested in God's providence in that arena! My labs are stable if not improving and the virus (CMV) that we've been monitoring decreased by 95% this week!! I'm still pretty weak, but I can't dwell on that – there are far too many other things to be thankful for. That will return at some point and until then I'll work to be content – knowing that it's his will and not mine. God will and does provide, of that I am certain. Sometimes I think we just don't open the door to receive the provisions that in his infinite wisdom He knows we need.

"The Lord is good unto them that wait for him. But they that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint." (or fall down, hopefully – added by me:)