Using the foundation!

Every day this week I've thought that I need to update the blog, but I can never think of anything to say. I didn't draw labs this week, so I presume that those are still status quo, the cankles are back which is annoying and I'm a bit tired, but nothing to complain about, and the past 2 days, the nausea has been a LOT better – so thankful for that! Tonight I think I'll have some taco soup – hope it likes me as much as I like it! I finally decided to get some tips on the rebuilding of my strength. It dawned on me that I don't really know how to get into shape when starting from ground zero – blessed I guess that I've always been able to physically do what I wanted – might have ended up with some sore muscles and probably looked ugly along the way, but I could do whatever I set my mind to. Now, I feel like I'm missing the foundation. It was an interesting hour with the therapist. Realized that I am out of touch with the little things, can't mentally control the support muscles, not even using the right muscles to breathe! She was testing some of my core stabilizers, and what should engage as soon as I move an arm or a leg, didn't start to contract until I was almost at full extension. She would say, “can you feel that muscle contract” as she poked into my side and I would give a tentative “yes” even though I don't think I ever felt what I was supposed to. I think that's how I often am in my faith. God is there, in the background, ready to support my every move, but I don't seek Him out until I am almost fully extended. I can't hear His voice because I rarely devote the time to really listen. I should go to him with each step instead of relying on myself and waiting until the last minute to recruit His help. Everything works better when we rely on the stable foundation. And once we acknowledge it, realize it's power and the role it can play, it's much easier to feel it working.
So, for now I'll be at home, practicing how to breathe and hopefully figuring out to get some muscles, that I can't really feel, to work again. Wish me luck.
"Now may the Lord's strength be displayed..." Numbers 14:17

Day 365

Day 365! One year since my transplant. I wish that I felt better for this landmark day, but it's amazing none-the-less. I just got word from Nebraska that my bone marrow came back clean so it's official - I'm still in remission! It's very hard for me to even say the word. On Sunday, a gentleman at church (who I've never really talked to and I'm sure doesn't read my blog) asked me if I was cured. I sit behind him EVERY week and out of the blue he felt inclined to pull me aside this week, a week when I had an answer. As I talked to him, he just smiled and said “I knew you would be”. I don't understand how God works and I still can't imagine why He decided to work a miracle in me but I'm glad that He did. A year ago I made some sort of comment in my blog about waiting to see what God had planned and I feel like I'm still doing that. At the beginning of this journey someone told me it would take 2 years to feel back to myself and I didn't want to believe that, but I’m starting to think that may be true. :( If that's what it takes, than that's what we'll do. I just keep telling myself that it's a good day and sure enough it is!

Yippppeeeee!

Well I guess God isn't going to let me off the hook yet and still has some plans for me! I just finished a long day of tests and Dr Vose gave me the long awaited news that I still appear to be in remission. They don't have the results from the bone marrow biopsy yet, but the PET scan didn't light up like a Christmas tree which means that the cancer is not in my lymph nodes or spreading everywhere. I also got word about the EGD from last week and they couldn't find any signs of rejection! They did pick up evidence of a bacteria which has probably been making me feel sick and can cause ulcers so they started more medicine for a couple weeks. It's yucky stuff but at least it will treat the problem and I should start feeling better! More good news is that I'll be able to stop most of my other medicines, and can restart almost all my vaccines tomorrow! I only have to draw labs once a month (probably to make up for the 6 times they poked me today) and go to Omaha every 3 months! I guess the only “bad” news that I got today is that my bones have taken a big hit so I need to start treatment for osteoporosis. I also have a little degeneration in my hip but unless it starts to hurt again, we don't have to worry about it for now.
Thank you for all your prayers and to everyone that has reminded me of the verse that I've stood behind and leaned upon for the past 17 months – that God has given me a hope and promised a beautiful future. It brings me to tears when I try to think about it all – how far I've come, and how faithful and merciful God has been. I am so glad to change the emphasis of my prayers from pleading to praising. I'm very excited to see how God is going to continue using this and what plans He has for me.

And we know that in all things God works fr the god of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

Nothing is too hard for the God of the universe!

Well tomorrow is the big day. Mom, Dad and I will drive to Omaha tonight so that we’ll be ready for the early start to a long day. I don’t know if I’ll know the results by the end of the day and I’m still waiting on results from last week’s EGD. So “patience” is the word of the week. Overall I’ve been feeling pretty good – last weekend I had lots of excuses to enjoy the nice weather and hang out with friends. One of them pointed out that since there are more “good” days than “bad” days, I could say that every week is a good week. I like that.
Still praying for strength and good results tomorrow. Praying that God will continue the good works that He has begun! Praying that I am able to accept and handle whatever the future holds and that God continues to grace me with the peace that transcends all understanding! (right, Em?)

“Oh Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and out stretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17

Faith or Worry

A quick update, I guess 4 weeks is the threshold for symptoms to persist before we are forced to take action. Since the loss of appetite and nausea refuse to go away, Tuesday morning I’m going to St Joe hospital for another EGD to rule out GVHD. The procedure itself should be pretty routine and quick, but it will probably be a week before we get results. I read somewhere that worry and faith can not co-exist so I’m trying very hard to not let my mind fall into the “what if” spiral. That only leads to worry and doubt and loss of sleep – none of which helps the situation. I have a lot of big tests over the next 9 days and to be honest, it's quite nerve racking. The results will have such a huge impact on my life. I plead and pray for good news – that I'm still in remission, that I'm not falling back into rejection, that all the treatments haven't left me with osteoporosis or other organ damage. The closer I get to the anniversary of my transplant, the more I realize how much easier it is to just not know. God has blessed me with peace through so many trials, I know that He won't leave me alone now. And am confident that my family, friends, and supporters around the country will continue to stand by my side whatever the future holds.

“Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep in the water.” Jer. 17: 7-8

True Image

Status hasn’t changed much in the past week – which could be viewed as a very good thing or a frustrating thing. I’m going to take the positive outlook in that I’m not writing this from a hospital room in Omaha! I still have days when I don’t feel very good but that only happens a couple times a week and on the others I just don’t have much of an appetite. My labs looked good yesterday but I was really hoping to break triple digits on my platelet count – 98 last week, 98 again this week. (150-400 is normal) Guess the office will have to wait another week for celebratory brownies! ;) Anyway, since I don’t have anything exciting to report, I’ll share a little tid bit of information that I recently heard. “Veronica” means “true image” and if you’ll recall, Veronica is who wiped Jesus’ face while he was carrying the cross and an image of Christ’s face was left on the cloth. I have not done the research to see if “Veronica” meant “true image” before Christ or only after the crucifixion. But in any case, a good reminder that we need to allow Christ to make a lasting impression on our lives. “Bad stuff” definitely leaves its impression, but hopefully God’s impression is deeper!

In a holding pattern

Thank you for all your prayers. I talked with Dr. Vose and she wants to "watch it" for a week and see what happens. Yesterday was better than Sunday and I feel pretty good this morning. I wish I could feel confident that all was on the up & up, but it seems like this has been the pattern the last couple weeks - 2-3 ok days, then a bad day. It's hard to be confident in anything when it can change so fast. For now I'll continue to pray for the strength to trust and for God to do the healing.