Red Lights

This morning I was once again reminded of my “slight” dislike for red lights as I hit pretty much every one red on my way to work. Did it really make a big difference in my commute, no. Did I still make it to the same endpoint, yes. Is getting annoyed with the stopping and starting bad for my stress level and just another sign of my never-ending struggle for patience – YES. What’s the point of this rambling? As I thought about how silly my driving habits are, it occurred to me that God also uses “red lights”. Putting things or people or events in our lives to make us stop, refocus, give us rest, whatever it is that we need at that moment. I’ve had more “red lights” than I would have liked over the past couple years (and I know that I’m not alone in struggles and trials). But I feel like God has had a real purpose behind all the red lights and the cross he’s called me to bear. There’s a peace that I can’t explain. My relationship has deepened and I have a greater appreciation for the time that I allow myself to stop and just listen. But even with that insight, I still struggle to do it. Now that I’m feeling better, my labs are stabilizing, daily life is getting back into a routine, I’m running the yellow lights and trying to avoid the reds. I’m falling back into the mindset of “doing”. When looking at my schedule for the week, I’m not looking at a schedule that allows me quiet time to hear God’s voice and recharge, but one where I’m trying to figure out when I can get the laundry done. I know this is human nature, esp for the Type A’s out there, but with some help and limit setting, it can be overcome. It will take a lot of divine intervention and assistance in my case! My goal is to not get wrapped back up in “go-go-go,” but rather to be able to sit back, take a deep breath and enjoy the red lights.

Case in point, I don't have time to look up a verse for today's post - what comes to mind is "be quiet, I am God" - probably as appropriate as any :)

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To the Cloud!

I'm happy to report that once again God has brought rest to the weary and heard my cries! I'm now going on 4 nights of pretty good sleep! Not exactly 8 uninterrupted hours but sooooo much better than it has been.
Hard to believe that it's already been a month since my last trip to Omaha, but today we headed back north to check in. The weather is rainy and cold, but my labs looked good and Dr Vose is happy with my progress. They've stopped my steroids and as long as the CMV levels continue to decrease will start decreasing my anti-virals. The most exciting part of the visit was that I got my first vaccine! When I received the stem cell transplant, I lost all the immunity that we developed as kids – chicken pox, pertussis, meningitis, tetanus, polio, hepatitis, flu... Might not be exciting to most, but for me it's a big deal – and no, I'm not worried about it giving me autism! :)
"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." ~Psalm 34:4

(Just realized that the message board wasn't working but it should be up and running again)

Like a skinny turtle...

Slow but sure wins the race, isn't that how the saying goes? I really can't complain. I feel good, I'm able to go to work every day, the variety of foods that I can eat continues to expand, I have a good appetite, sleep's still not what it used to be, but improving and I've just rested in God's providence in that arena! My labs are stable if not improving and the virus (CMV) that we've been monitoring decreased by 95% this week!! I'm still pretty weak, but I can't dwell on that – there are far too many other things to be thankful for. That will return at some point and until then I'll work to be content – knowing that it's his will and not mine. God will and does provide, of that I am certain. Sometimes I think we just don't open the door to receive the provisions that in his infinite wisdom He knows we need.

"The Lord is good unto them that wait for him. But they that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint." (or fall down, hopefully – added by me:)

He hears me, I need to ask

Well, God never fails to amaze me as I blog each week. I really thought this was going to be “just” the update day describing how almost all of my labs are looking better this week (my white count is normal!, hemoglobin and platelets are going up) swelling in my legs is going down, energy is continuing to slowly improve. We’re still tapering my steroids but had to restart a pretty strong anti-viral drug as my labs have revealed increasing levels of a virus called CMV which has been hanging around since the transplant. It doesn’t make me feel sick, but if it gets out of control, could be bad.
Anyway, I thought that would be the end to this week’s update with an added prayer request for me to be able to sleep – I’m still fighting waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I was convinced it would get better if I just gave it more time, but after 6 weeks, it’s starting to catch up with me. For 3 days now, I can really feel it wearing on my spirit. So yesterday, in my ultimate wisdom I came up with a plan, I'd try "A", and if that didn't work, I'd try "B" and when that failed...
So as God loves to do, He patiently waits and finds wonderful ways to make himself known. This morning this is what he had waiting for me in my devotional: “I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4 And it didn’t end there, the specific recommendation was to “confess any tendency to complain of my pains rather than praying about them” and reminded me to be thankful that God promises strength for the weary and that He will renew my energy. Wow, EXACTLY what I needed to hear and read today because I think I’ve talked to everyone except God about my sleep. How awesome is God to meet us where we are and remind us that He’s listening. I think I’ll do a little more praying and listening, ask for your continued prayers, and wait a couple more days before starting that Lunesta ;) And who knows, He may still choose to use modern medicine to accomplish His goals, but I'll let Him decide that.

“he will not grow tired or weary,… He gives strength to the weary…” Isaiah 40

Does He hear me

Sorry for the lack of communication this week. Could be lack of inspiration or the fact that it’s just been a really busy week at the office – which is a great feeling to be busy, productive… again.
My labs are improving, slowly but surely. Still low but not as low! I really feel pretty good but definitely find myself getting a little frustrated with how long it’s taking to keep my feet back under me – literally! The return of strength and weight is so slow and I know that a lot of that is due to the fact that I can’t eat all the good “high calorie” fattening foods and pretty much every calorie I eat gets used to carry out “daily living” so there’s not much left over to rebuild.
We’re all familiar with God Almighty, El Shadday, Creator of Heaven and Earth and most of us can grasp the idea of an all powerful God capable of creating the universe as well as a baby in the womb, but why is it that we have trouble envisioning that same God as one who knows us individually and keeps His promises to care for us in the little things. It’s like we think they’re “too little”. But the truth is that the same God Almighty that created the universe, is faithful and does hear the “little things”. He’s faithful to His promise to care for us, to literally give my legs the strength to bear the weight of the day. Nothing happens without His knowledge. I just need to be patient and wait on His timing – He knows, He cares, nothing gets by Him. My strength will return – I just pray it’s in time for ultimate season ;)

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most high will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.” ~Psalm 91:1-2

El Roi

Every day is getting better and God continues to watch over my progress and guide this recovery. Thankfully Mom and I had a safe trip to Omaha today and as long as things continue to progress, we do not have to go back for a month! Unfortunately, even though I'm feeling better, my labs have not improved much – overall immune system, platelets and hemoglobin remaining lower than I'd like but not critical.. Dr Vose does not know exactly why this is, but said that after having a severe case of GVHD, it's not too unusual. She has decreased or stopped most of my meds in an attempt to remedy the low counts, but we will just have to be patient, smart and trust in the healing hand of God.
I'm currently reading about the names of God and this week I'm pondering “El Roi” - the God who sees me. The God who know our circumstances, past, present and future. The one who knows everything about me. The God who knows MY name! How much peace to know that even when I am lost and confused,weak and tired, the God who created the world knows what I'm going through and cares. What an awesome God.