Wednesday, February 23, 2011

He hears me, I need to ask

Well, God never fails to amaze me as I blog each week. I really thought this was going to be “just” the update day describing how almost all of my labs are looking better this week (my white count is normal!, hemoglobin and platelets are going up) swelling in my legs is going down, energy is continuing to slowly improve. We’re still tapering my steroids but had to restart a pretty strong anti-viral drug as my labs have revealed increasing levels of a virus called CMV which has been hanging around since the transplant. It doesn’t make me feel sick, but if it gets out of control, could be bad.
Anyway, I thought that would be the end to this week’s update with an added prayer request for me to be able to sleep – I’m still fighting waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I was convinced it would get better if I just gave it more time, but after 6 weeks, it’s starting to catch up with me. For 3 days now, I can really feel it wearing on my spirit. So yesterday, in my ultimate wisdom I came up with a plan, I'd try "A", and if that didn't work, I'd try "B" and when that failed...
So as God loves to do, He patiently waits and finds wonderful ways to make himself known. This morning this is what he had waiting for me in my devotional: “I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4 And it didn’t end there, the specific recommendation was to “confess any tendency to complain of my pains rather than praying about them” and reminded me to be thankful that God promises strength for the weary and that He will renew my energy. Wow, EXACTLY what I needed to hear and read today because I think I’ve talked to everyone except God about my sleep. How awesome is God to meet us where we are and remind us that He’s listening. I think I’ll do a little more praying and listening, ask for your continued prayers, and wait a couple more days before starting that Lunesta ;) And who knows, He may still choose to use modern medicine to accomplish His goals, but I'll let Him decide that.

“he will not grow tired or weary,… He gives strength to the weary…” Isaiah 40

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Does He hear me

Sorry for the lack of communication this week. Could be lack of inspiration or the fact that it’s just been a really busy week at the office – which is a great feeling to be busy, productive… again.
My labs are improving, slowly but surely. Still low but not as low! I really feel pretty good but definitely find myself getting a little frustrated with how long it’s taking to keep my feet back under me – literally! The return of strength and weight is so slow and I know that a lot of that is due to the fact that I can’t eat all the good “high calorie” fattening foods and pretty much every calorie I eat gets used to carry out “daily living” so there’s not much left over to rebuild.
We’re all familiar with God Almighty, El Shadday, Creator of Heaven and Earth and most of us can grasp the idea of an all powerful God capable of creating the universe as well as a baby in the womb, but why is it that we have trouble envisioning that same God as one who knows us individually and keeps His promises to care for us in the little things. It’s like we think they’re “too little”. But the truth is that the same God Almighty that created the universe, is faithful and does hear the “little things”. He’s faithful to His promise to care for us, to literally give my legs the strength to bear the weight of the day. Nothing happens without His knowledge. I just need to be patient and wait on His timing – He knows, He cares, nothing gets by Him. My strength will return – I just pray it’s in time for ultimate season ;)

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most high will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.” ~Psalm 91:1-2

Monday, February 7, 2011

El Roi

Every day is getting better and God continues to watch over my progress and guide this recovery. Thankfully Mom and I had a safe trip to Omaha today and as long as things continue to progress, we do not have to go back for a month! Unfortunately, even though I'm feeling better, my labs have not improved much – overall immune system, platelets and hemoglobin remaining lower than I'd like but not critical.. Dr Vose does not know exactly why this is, but said that after having a severe case of GVHD, it's not too unusual. She has decreased or stopped most of my meds in an attempt to remedy the low counts, but we will just have to be patient, smart and trust in the healing hand of God.
I'm currently reading about the names of God and this week I'm pondering “El Roi” - the God who sees me. The God who know our circumstances, past, present and future. The one who knows everything about me. The God who knows MY name! How much peace to know that even when I am lost and confused,weak and tired, the God who created the world knows what I'm going through and cares. What an awesome God.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

What a week, Day 233

It’s been a kind-of weird week around here and I’m not even referring to the ridiculous cold and blizzard that shut down I-70 between St Louis and KC! It’s been good in that I continue to feel better and stronger every day! I still have a long crawl up the hill, but it’s so nice to see the continued improvement. My labs weren’t the best this week. My liver isn’t as angry but my white count stays low and my platelets dropped again :( It’s only been a week since we stopped the medicine that was felt to be the culprit and Dr. Vose put another one “on hold” as of today so we’ll recheck labs on Friday and see where I stand. Presuming we don’t get more snow, I’ll be going back to Omaha next Monday. The hard part of this week is that I learned that a fellow patient who went through a stem cell transplant with me last summer passed away. I only knew her for a short time but her faith, drive and fight made such an impact on us. I know that she is in such a better place now and am so glad that her suffering is done, but just wish I could know a little more of “the greater plan”. It’s become so clear, that without a belief in Christ, suffering would make no sense. Even with faith, I guess you can’t “make sense” of it, but at least I know that there is a plan and I’m just not smart enough to interpret all the pieces. We beg and plead for things that don’t happen even though God says, “ask and you shall receive”, but we remove that from context. When a child begs for something that isn’t good for them, parents have a responsibility to say “no” to protect them. The child can’t understand that, but it’s for their own good and one day they will understand if they don’t get jaded by the refusal.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trails. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7
 
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his Love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zeph 3:17